I'd like to share with you a sincere and cherished belief of mine. I believe that wearing a red t-shirt has the power to heal the sick and bring good fortune.
I believe this because my grandmother had terminal cancer, but one day I went to see her wearing a red t-shirt and the doctors informed me that the cancer had went into remission! The doctors, each with years upon years of study and testing in the field of medicine, could not explain it, which gives me, the person without the history of scholastic rigor in the field, license to put forward my best explanation. I think it can be explained by the color of my t-shirt.
You're probably going to say that my mother was wearing a green dress; that dad wore a baseball cap, or that my little brother mumbled some magic words, but those things don't make any sense as explanations for my grandmother's healed cancer. Try to be a little more open-minded.
I received confirmation of this theory when I was $500 behind on bills after losing my job (a job at which, now that I think about it, I often wore a red t-shirt). However, right before I was about to give up I discovered a bank error in my favor for $623!!! The color of the t-shirt I was wearing at the time? You guessed it: red. Try and chalk that up to coincidence.
You may be tempted to say here that lots of people wear red t-shirts and their cancer-ridden relatives still die. I'm honestly not sure why this is, but it probably has something to do with the tone of their shirts - they're probably not red enough. Or you may be moved to point out that cancer sometimes goes into remission without explanation for people wearing blue t-shirts, orange t-shirts, red t-shirts, or even no shirt at all! But why would
my grandmother's cancer go into remission on the day that
I was wearing a red t-shirt? The doctors couldn't explain it, and I just can't believe it was a coincidence (or that it was the outlying positive outcome amongst several negative outcomes that occurred while I was wearing a red t-shirt), which means that I
can explain it!
I realize that a lot of people will find this idea overpowering, which is why they reject it. They probably aren't ready to handle the overwhelming truth of it all, or they're scared because they don't have an explanation for this phenomenon, the occurrence of which they must take my word for since they are unable to investigate it for themselves. Either that or they just hate red t-shirts and don't want their own relatives to get better. They'll point out completely irrelevant facts, like that wearing a red t-shirt doesn't always bring good fortune or heal the sick, or that sometimes people die or bad things happen no matter how many consecutive days you wear the red t-shirt without washing it. But it has worked for me on several occasions, and I'm a perfectly rational person, so that should be good enough for you.
What's more, just think of all the good we could do for the world if we took time away from charity work, academia, our jobs, etc, and all gathered in the same place and wore red t-shirts together! At the same time!!! Think of the dent we could make in world hunger or the scientific discoveries that would fall right in our laps! Hell, I'd be shocked if there was still a need for doctors.
What evidence do you have for your world view or the doctors who claim to treat patients with tested medical techniques? I should mention that their "medicine" couldn't explain my grandmother's cancer going into remission. They can't explain why the red t-shirt works, and every time I pressure one of them to do so they ignore me, which proves they're afraid of losing their jobs to enough people adopting red t-shirtism. Join me, and together we can forge a paradise on Earth.
Challenge to all religious people: explain why prayer is a better explanation.
Comments (17)
I was wearing a red t-shirt when I lost my virginity. It MUST be true!
I thought people who wore red t-shirts were destined to die.
I bow down to you, worshipful master.
@ElliottStrange - LOL! I was too! It must be true!Google seems to have popped up a cute girl wearing a red T-shirt while I read this. This must be true. Whatever higher power controls Google in their quest not to be evil must be telling us to wear red T-shirts. Of course, it is a CCCP T-Shirt. Does that mean "Cool collection of caring people"? It must. I'm in!
You sound bored ... a warrior without a dragon to slay ...
What is a soldier to do without a war to fight?
The fury of battle did not give time to entertain such thoughts ...Star Trek is clearly blasphemous propaganda...
It'd be cool if, while you were wearing a red t-shirt, the Great Red T-shirt dictated to you words to be written in a holy text to be passed on for generations, providing even further [undeniable] proof of your religion's validity.
Fingers crossed here, bubby.
I find pink t-shirts work best for me..
@HipPocket123 - Blasphemer!
Haha. But in Star Trek, the people who wear red shirts are always the ones who die.
@Thegirlwhoknowstoomuch - Yes, a good thing to note. However, as with JT's undeniable anecdotal evidence, his red t-shirt wearing assisted his ailing grandmother, not himself.
In the case of the monetary issue, it can only be assumed the red t-shirt effected the bank to make the error.
It appears that wearing red t-shirt has great and powerful effect on those around the wearer, but not necessarily or specifically the wearer themselves.
The Star Trek example only goes to further prove this. Those wearing the red shirts often met with an unfortunate fate. (Spock, Kirk, and "Ensign Ricky" go off-world....guess who ain't comin back) This supports the theory of red shirts having important and measurable benefit to those around them, but not necessarily the wearer. Obviously, had the whole off-world party worn red shirts, they would have all met with fantastic luck and success. Probably named heroes on every planet they went to.
I believe we all owe JT a debt of gratitude for selflessly wearing a red shirt for our benefit, while never asking us to do the same for him. Such generosity!
@Thegirlwhoknowstoomuch - Damn you, you beat me to it :)
Have I told you lately, that I love you?
Ever since I've been wearing my work issued red polo I've been gettin' less tips... I only get bigger tips with my maroon-colored-polo co-worker shows up on the fridays!
Maroon is the color to worship everyone, MAROON!
I really think it is the precise shade of red. And the position of the stars. And they both change on a daily, if not hourly, basis.
Transcendental Meditation practitioners espouse the same idea and actually do congregate to meditate together for precisely the above reasons.
I think that prayer and TM both have scientific studies to back up their positive effects on the human brain/body, but the significance of these benefits is overgeneralized.
I think that prayer and TM are both things that help us feel better, and they both include a sense of connection to something greater than ourselves, so we generalize from our own good feelings and believe that what makes us feel better will also make others feel better.
There's no real causal link between the two, but correlation is enough for those who want to believe.
I think the only difference between the red shirt and prayer is that you did not initially *intend* to wear the red shirt for the purpose of healing your grandmother. If you fetishized the red shirt before receiving the good news, then it would be much more similar to prayer.
But all fetishes have to start somewhere.
@Thegirlwhoknowstoomuch - I was going to say that, too. All Trek fans know that anonymoys Redshirts are destined to die soon after being introduced while main character Redshirts (as well as main characters wearing shirts of other colors) will be safe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwyMB19q7ms