Wednesday, 20 April 2011

  • I kissed a girl and I liked it

    With the exception of one blip, mirrors have reflected a normal image ever since Saturday night.

    It's so strange to not have my heart race at the prospect of seeing my reflection.  It's odd not to have my weight always on my mind when speaking to someone.  Today is literally the fourth day of my life not believing I'm horribly overweight.  It's like waking up after a lifetime of seeing the world through a color-draining filter.

    I went on a second date last night and ate food that was horrible for me (fried fish and chips!).  I have yet to panic over it and now it doesn't seem like I will.  We walked in the rain, had good conversation.  We held hands on the walk back.  At one point she retrieved her hand to adjust her jacket and regrasped mine of her own volition.  I consider myself a fairly observant person, but I'm terrible at catching 'good signs' from the opposite sex.  However, that's a good one and even I could catch it.

    Got a kiss good night and a third date.

    I'm ordinarily not a fan of normality - oddball people and events are what keep life interesting, and I like being a slightly awkward goofball.  But I could get used to interacting with people normally.

    I now wonder if I was ever as ugly as I saw in the mirror, or how I felt.  Even when I've been with people in the past, I have been lonely (and often a poor partner) on account of not being convinced that anybody, including my partners, really wanted to be with me on account of my weight.  I'm now waking up to the possibility that a person could genuinely want to be with me, and it comes with no shortage of hope and excitement for the future.  But it also comes with a tinge of sadness for missed time and bygone opportunities with others.  Some of me wants to blame myself (I believe in accepting fault when it's yours), but I know that there's only so much you can do with a mental condition.

    I should have gotten treatment earlier in life.  The best I can do is to help others make that realization, and I will do so.

    I've always acquired beauty in my life from the cosmos, from nature and the boundless aesthetic and perplexing mysteries of existence.  That's where I've found my quiet smiles and my sense of awe.  But today, life, the things close to me, the trees, the people, the reflections; my life...is beautiful.

     

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Comments (17)

  • Huck@mancouch

    ZeroWing, I'm really happy for you. Thanks for posting this encouragement for others who struggle with the same issues. Hope the dates just keep coming. ;)
  • anonymous

    "With the exception of one blip, mirrors have reflected a normal image ever since Saturday night."

    YAAAAAAAAAAY!

    "Even when I've been with people in the past, I have been lonely (and
    often a poor partner) on account of not being convinced that anybody,
    including my partners, really wanted to be with me on account of my
    weight."

    Boy, is that familiar. When you think nobody will ever want you, the tendency is way too strong to jump at the first person who will have you -- regardless of whether they're right for you. And that sucks for everyone involved: you, your partner, everyone. It's one of the reasons I stayed single for twelve years -- to train myself out of that tendency.

    "But it also comes with a tinge of sadness for missed time and bygone opportunities with others."

    Ahem.

    I feel compelled to point out that YOU ARE TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD. The overwhelming majority of your adult life is ahead of you. I mean, I get it, missed opportunities are missed opportunities... but still.

    Anyway. Totally awesome news. Congratulations -- you've worked hard for this, and deserve it.
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato

    :)
  • cybrmaus

    don't be sad for what wasn't, but continue to revel in the bliss you are experiencing. and here's to it lasting a long, long time. i'm so happy for you, jt!
  • crim077

    :)
  • ShamelesslyRed

    Wow. This is the best post I've ever read from you. I like this side of Zerowing much better. 
  • Zerowing21

    @ShamelesslyRed - My desire to make the world a better place, which I have elected to do through an assault on irrationality, derives from the fact that I'm actually a quiet, human, compassionate person.  I have never much cared if people on the internet got that impression (and still don't), but it is nice to have it acknowledged.  Thank you.

    JT
  • GodlessLiberal

    [I now wonder if I was ever as ugly as I saw in the mirror, or how I felt.]
    As much as I want to make an "you've always been an ugly motherfucker" joke, the truth is that no, you never were. You're a handsome sumbitch, as is evidenced by me letting you hump the bejeezus out of me at the 90s last month.
  • musterion99

    Glad to hear things are getting better for you. Congrats and good luck with the new girl.
  • thisiswhereItellyoueverything

    I'm so glad you're doing better. I know what you mean about waking up after a long time from a mindset and realizing it was incorrect the entire time. It's hard not to feel regret, but at the same time it's so exciting to almost be starting over with a completely different outlook on everything.


    That's awesome about your date, too. Definitely a good sign that she reached for your hand again after fixing her jacket. 
  • veronika_grey

    the last line made me say 'oooh' softly. in a really good way.

    <3
  • livexlovexlaughter
    I'm happy for you!
  • SuperLuc
    You know you never were. Congrats for being able to see for yourself now, champ.
  • pinktiger335

    Very beautiful writing. And what I've realized that sometimes it's not about beauty outside but the inside. I grew up believing i was grotesque and nobody ever wanted. I've been alone and when I thought I found someone they cheated... felt uglier and rejected. I guess the point of this, is finding our self worth and knowing who we are. I'd also been depressed my whole life, my weight I hate to talk about...and like you I felt like nobody wanted me because of it. But, times change and people will see us with different eyes
     --if we let them-- Best of luck with this lovely lady!  
  • LadyMira

    Aaaaaw!
  • anonymous

    I'm so glad your are on the ups JT. It is truly great news that you are feeling better and the dysmorphia is behaving. And even better news about your lady-friend! I can assure you that you are not as ugly as your mind has tried to trick you into believing. Things do get better, especially since you are receiving treatment. Just keep managing your lifestyle to accommodate triggers (which also becomes easier with time) and keep up with your treatment, and things will become easier with time.


    Like you've pointed out many times, it never really goes away, it just becomes manageable. In the past you stated this with a bit of a tone of pessimism, but my hope is that now you can see that 'manageable' does not mean that your quality of life suffers. Yes, sometimes it will raise its ugly head, but you learn to make preemptive strikes against it, and keep from spiraling out of control. Here's to many more happy looks in the mirror! :D
  • DoctorLuke

    Awesome. A lot of feelings (guilt, etc.) take away our freedom to enjoy stuff - it's great to be free.

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