Wednesday, 20 April 2011
With the exception of one blip, mirrors have reflected a normal image ever since Saturday night.
It's so strange to not have my heart race at the prospect of seeing my reflection. It's odd not to have my weight always on my mind when speaking to someone. Today is literally the fourth day of my life not believing I'm horribly overweight. It's like waking up after a lifetime of seeing the world through a color-draining filter.
I went on a second date last night and ate food that was horrible for me (fried fish and chips!). I have yet to panic over it and now it doesn't seem like I will. We walked in the rain, had good conversation. We held hands on the walk back. At one point she retrieved her hand to adjust her jacket and regrasped mine of her own volition. I consider myself a fairly observant person, but I'm terrible at catching 'good signs' from the opposite sex. However, that's a good one and even I could catch it.
Got a kiss good night and a third date.
I'm ordinarily not a fan of normality - oddball people and events are what keep life interesting, and I like being a slightly awkward goofball. But I could get used to interacting with people normally.
I now wonder if I was ever as ugly as I saw in the mirror, or how I felt. Even when I've been with people in the past, I have been lonely (and often a poor partner) on account of not being convinced that anybody, including my partners, really wanted to be with me on account of my weight. I'm now waking up to the possibility that a person could genuinely want to be with me, and it comes with no shortage of hope and excitement for the future. But it also comes with a tinge of sadness for missed time and bygone opportunities with others. Some of me wants to blame myself (I believe in accepting fault when it's yours), but I know that there's only so much you can do with a mental condition.
I should have gotten treatment earlier in life. The best I can do is to help others make that realization, and I will do so.
I've always acquired beauty in my life from the cosmos, from nature and the boundless aesthetic and perplexing mysteries of existence. That's where I've found my quiet smiles and my sense of awe. But today, life, the things close to me, the trees, the people, the reflections; my life...is beautiful.